It's official. I'm scared of spiders. I have always had a strong dislike for the arachnid family as a whole but moving to Australia has really solidified my feelings. In Sydney a huge amount of spiders are poisonous which would account for the decreasing dog population. Most Aussies can tell you if a spider is poisonous after a cursory glance. I however, have not witnessed all the different varieties of Aussie spiders nor do I want to take the time to start identifying them at close range.

After work the other day I was getting changed when Aiva shouted from the kitchen "Did you see the spider?" I was frozen in place mid-change, shirtless with my belt and top button of my pants undone. After surveying my current location I began to make my way downstairs like a seasoned espionage ninja commando. I didn't hear Aiva screaming in agony therefore she was either fine or already dead so I continued my methodical search and destroy mission into the kitchen.

I could see the spider on the sliding door blinds from 20 feet away and it was the largest one that I had ever seen in person. Aiva informed me that the spider was a "Huntsman" commonly known as the Australian Tarantula (you can imagine how happy I was about that nickname). She was keen to just pound it to death (with my sandal) while I had a more conservative if slightly more complicated approach. It went as follows:

1. Continue to tiptoe and whisper until the mission is complete.
2. Construct a cardboard box and cover the hole in the bottom with the water bill.
3. From across the room, slide the open box along the kitchen floor (like curling) so that it comes to a stop against the blinds, below the spider.
4. Find a long handled broom and padfoot towards the spider with your arm at full extension.
5. Ignore Aiva's laughing and mocking while smiling as she takes photos (maintain eyes contact with the spider).
6. With lightning speed, use the broom to knock the spider down into the box and fold the lid shut.
7. Open the blinds and the sliding door and proceed to hoof the box into the backyard.
8. Close and lock the sliding door.
9. Wait for the praise to come flooding in and silently prepare the comeback "No big deal, just doing my job as a man" speech.
10. Keep waiting.
    

Aiva made constant reminders along the way that Huntsman spiders are not poisonous so it’s no big deal. After doing a little research, I found out that while not poisonous their bites can "cause prolonged pain, inflammation, headache, vomiting and heart palpitations". No big deal indeed.